Easter Dinner Crucifix

Another day, another holy relic.

So after sharing photos of my beautiful Velvet Jesus In Space painting, I thought it was high time to share another one of my decorative deities.

Todays pick is the function-and-form Easter Dinner Crucifix.

The guy who sold it to me told me said that the flatware was used at the “last dinner”. I’m not sure if that is the same as the “Last Supper” or not… Either way, this wonderful piece was well worth the $120 I paid for it.

Jesus Has Left the Building

In my book, the only thing better than a giant tacky black velvet Elvis painting is a giant tacky black velvet Jesus painting. Luckily for me, I found god at a nearby auction house and after a little bit of a bid war I was the victor.

This thing takes up quite a bit of real estate on my wall. The painting itself is 36″ by 24″ and the frame probably adds about 3″ all the way around, which I’m pretty sure is life size (the Bible doesn’t say how tall Jesus was so for all you know it could be, shut up).

This particular depiction of Astronaut Jesus appears to be staring off into space pondering the great mysteries of the universe. My guess is that he is wondering why Earth girls are easy, especially the ones who use MySpace and Xanga.

See the look in his eyes. He’s clearly in deep thought.

You can read it in his face and almost hear his voice… “Did I really die on the cross so loose women could use subpar social networking tools to hook up or otherwise flirt with strangers?” Trust me, I’ve seen that face before. It’s either that or he’s trying to remember where he left the keys.

Marriage Advice from the Bible

“It’s better to stay outside on the roof of your house than to live inside with a nagging wife.” – Proverbs 21:9 (CEV)

“A parent is worn to a frazzle by a stupid child; a nagging spouse is a leaky faucet.” – Proverbs 19:13 (The Message)

“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.” – Ephesians 5:22-24 (KJV)

“If a woman living with her husband makes a vow or obligates herself by a pledge under oath and her husband hears about it but says nothing to her and does not forbid her, then all her vows or the pledges by which she obligated herself will stand. But if her husband nullifies them when he hears about them, then none of the vows or pledges that came from her lips will stand. Her husband has nullified them, and the LORD will release her. ” – Numbers 30:10-12 (TNIV)

“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.” – Colossians 3:18 (KJV)

“I say to you: whoever dismisses (repudiates, divorces) his wife, except for unchastity, and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries a divorced woman commits adultery. The disciples said to Him, If the case of a man with his wife is like this, it is neither profitable nor advisable to marry.” – Matthew 19:9-10 (AMP)

If you enjoyed these lovely Bible quotes about marriage, you too might also enjoy a beautiful retablo about marriage and forgiveness that is currently being offered on eBay. Oh, that or you could buy it and send it to me. Thanks in advance…

It supposedly translates roughly to:

“When in a rage, Enedina Romero fought with her husband and hit him in the head with a stick, she regretted making him bleed, and she prayed to San pascualito. Her husband healed quick and she gives thanks.”

Angry Cutie Rants About Playboy Virgin Mary

CNN interviewed a crazy person about the whole Jesus’s MILF on a Playboy mag that was released in Mexico earlier this month.

The guy’s name was Father Cutie. This guy’s name isn’t the only ridiculous thing abou him…

He told the interviewer that:

Listen, there’s no doubt that she’s a beautiful woman. But a stained-glass window and the veil that looks like that, certainly there’s a reference to Mary. Whoever tells you there isn’t is simply being hypocritical or not very honest.

Umm, I’ve never seen a photo of the Virgin Mary so I may not be an expert on this but I think that the good Father Cutie is being hypocritical and dishonest.

As for his dishonest, I’m pretty sure he knows that Virgin Mary has never posed in front of a stained glass window. At best, he could claim the woman in the photo is in reference to a nun.

Plus he should also know that the Virgin Mary was never inside of a church. The closest she got was the door of the Tabernacle when she dropped off her sin-offering for giving birth to Jesus. So again, how could a half nude woman in a church with stained glass windows be a reference to the Virgin Mary?

Maybe if she was standing outside of the church and holding a pigeon of a turtledove I’d say he was on to something, but as it stands I think he is just making shit up.

Oh, and as for Cutie being hypocritical (and others who were offended)… If you look at a Playboy (or another mag or a video or a in the flesh person or an animal or your washing machine while on spin cycle I guess) and think sexual thoughts, you are committing a sin and you should have plucked out your eyes so they could cause you to sin no more. I watched the video of the interview and this guy totally had eyes in his head.

I can’t really trust what Father Cutie says though because he is a clergyman talk show host, which makes him a prostitute scandal and a wife with bad eye make-up (and a worse 80s hair-do) away from being a televangelist.

The Virgin Mary Gets A Magazine Cover

Sweet Jesus Mary Mother of God.

I don’t know about you, but seeing that got me in the mood for Christmas. They take their religion really serious south of the border. God bless them for that.

Oh, and thanks to The Sun for letting spreading the good word.

I just hope that kid who was getting the topless photos of his Sunday School teacher doesn’t see this. I’m pretty sure he went to the wrong church.