Easter Dinner Crucifix

Another day, another holy relic.

So after sharing photos of my beautiful Velvet Jesus In Space painting, I thought it was high time to share another one of my decorative deities.

Todays pick is the function-and-form Easter Dinner Crucifix.

The guy who sold it to me told me said that the flatware was used at the “last dinner”. I’m not sure if that is the same as the “Last Supper” or not… Either way, this wonderful piece was well worth the $120 I paid for it.

Jesus Has Left the Building

In my book, the only thing better than a giant tacky black velvet Elvis painting is a giant tacky black velvet Jesus painting. Luckily for me, I found god at a nearby auction house and after a little bit of a bid war I was the victor.

This thing takes up quite a bit of real estate on my wall. The painting itself is 36″ by 24″ and the frame probably adds about 3″ all the way around, which I’m pretty sure is life size (the Bible doesn’t say how tall Jesus was so for all you know it could be, shut up).

This particular depiction of Astronaut Jesus appears to be staring off into space pondering the great mysteries of the universe. My guess is that he is wondering why Earth girls are easy, especially the ones who use MySpace and Xanga.

See the look in his eyes. He’s clearly in deep thought.

You can read it in his face and almost hear his voice… “Did I really die on the cross so loose women could use subpar social networking tools to hook up or otherwise flirt with strangers?” Trust me, I’ve seen that face before. It’s either that or he’s trying to remember where he left the keys.

God Bless Your Real Breasts

That has to be one of the most brilliant things to ever come out of Oprah’s mouth.

Seriously.

Ladies, take Oprah’s words to heart. Oh, and ignore all that nonsensical “The Secret” shit that she was pushing. Telling people they can only get diseases if they think about disease is worse than ignorant. It’s dangerous. I wonder if Oprah tells her African girls academy students that their family members and neighbors all suffer disease because they invited the disease in their head via their thoughts or by talking to people who have AIDS?

And on that note… God bless you all (even fake ones).

Marriage Advice from the Bible

“It’s better to stay outside on the roof of your house than to live inside with a nagging wife.” – Proverbs 21:9 (CEV)

“A parent is worn to a frazzle by a stupid child; a nagging spouse is a leaky faucet.” – Proverbs 19:13 (The Message)

“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.” – Ephesians 5:22-24 (KJV)

“If a woman living with her husband makes a vow or obligates herself by a pledge under oath and her husband hears about it but says nothing to her and does not forbid her, then all her vows or the pledges by which she obligated herself will stand. But if her husband nullifies them when he hears about them, then none of the vows or pledges that came from her lips will stand. Her husband has nullified them, and the LORD will release her. ” – Numbers 30:10-12 (TNIV)

“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.” – Colossians 3:18 (KJV)

“I say to you: whoever dismisses (repudiates, divorces) his wife, except for unchastity, and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries a divorced woman commits adultery. The disciples said to Him, If the case of a man with his wife is like this, it is neither profitable nor advisable to marry.” – Matthew 19:9-10 (AMP)

If you enjoyed these lovely Bible quotes about marriage, you too might also enjoy a beautiful retablo about marriage and forgiveness that is currently being offered on eBay. Oh, that or you could buy it and send it to me. Thanks in advance…

It supposedly translates roughly to:

“When in a rage, Enedina Romero fought with her husband and hit him in the head with a stick, she regretted making him bleed, and she prayed to San pascualito. Her husband healed quick and she gives thanks.”

Best and Worst Religious Music

I’m compiling a large list. A couple lists actually. Below is a small sample.

My five (of my many) favorite religious songs are as follows (alphamabatized):
All These Things That I’ve Done (by The Killers)
Chop Suey (by System of a Down)
God’s Gonna Cut You Down (folk song covered by many, Johnny Cash version is fantastic)
He’s a Mighty Good Leader (by Beck)
The Fallen (by Franz Ferdinand)

On the other end of the spectrum, here are five religious songs that vacuum supreme (again, A to Z’d):
Have I Told You Lately (by Van Morrison but the Rod Stewart cover is extra terrible)
One of Us (as performed by Joan Osborne)
Run On (by Moby – it’s a cover inspired by a good cover, but Moby broke this shit)
Selling the Drama (by Live)
Southtown (by P.O.D., and for that matter anything by P.O.D. other than Boom)

As it stands, there are about 70+ songs on the good list. I’m looking to add a few more though because that’s probably not a big enough playlist to make it through a catholic funeral.

As for the bad list, that’s easy. I’m pretty sure I’m very near 666 religious songs that suck.

Just to make sure I don’t miss anything, what are your favorites? What religious songs are so terrible that they make Baby Jesus cry?