DECEMBER 31ST, 2008
By BILLYJACKS
Now that Christmas (and the War on Christmas) is over, it’s time for a new battle.
This time, I’ve got my sights set on New Years. The unAmerican atheists have now started complaining about those of us who who blindly say “Happy New Years” to people without knowing their beliefs, calling us rude and offensive.
They claim that everyone sensible person knows that the Chinese calendar predates the Christian/Gregorian Calendar and that Chinese New Years this year is January 26. Isn’t stealing Christmas enough? I say to hell with them.
If you don’t respect my rights to say “Happy New Years” and you are reading this right now… FUCK YOU. I have the God-given right to wish anyone I want a Happy New Years and shoot off fireworks/firearms in my house and get so drunk I don’t know where I’m sticking it. Kiss my Dec 31/Jan 1 Happy New Years ass.
DECEMBER 27TH, 2008
By BILLYJACKS
for sending one of your loyal servents to help fight the worst sin of all. The 7th commandment is unfortunately the most often ignored…
Thou shall not talk, clap and/or otherwise be obnoxious at a movie theater.
The answer to my prayers came in the form of James Joseph Cialella of Philly. He was trying to watch a little bit o The Curious Case of Benjamin Button on Christmas Day. Some guy and his kids couldn’t shut up during the movie even after being asked to do so.
Because most theater talkers are 50% mouth and 50% asshole, they never shut up. No matter how nicely you ask…
The frustrated Jimmy Pop remembered that he was blessed with the gift of a .380 and he used it will convince them to quiet down. After the noisy (and wounded) father left the theater (along with some other flighty movie goers), Jimmy was able to continue watching the movie.
Well, at least until police showed up to take him and his gun downtown.
Anyone interested in helping me start a legal defense fund for the good Mr. Cialella should email me at
STFU-Iamtryingtowatchamovie[AT]passingjudgement.com.
DECEMBER 16TH, 2008
By BILLYJACKS
CNN interviewed a crazy person about the whole Jesus’s MILF on a Playboy mag that was released in Mexico earlier this month.
The guy’s name was Father Cutie. This guy’s name isn’t the only ridiculous thing abou him…
He told the interviewer that:
Listen, there’s no doubt that she’s a beautiful woman. But a stained-glass window and the veil that looks like that, certainly there’s a reference to Mary. Whoever tells you there isn’t is simply being hypocritical or not very honest.
Umm, I’ve never seen a photo of the Virgin Mary so I may not be an expert on this but I think that the good Father Cutie is being hypocritical and dishonest.
As for his dishonest, I’m pretty sure he knows that Virgin Mary has never posed in front of a stained glass window. At best, he could claim the woman in the photo is in reference to a nun.
Plus he should also know that the Virgin Mary was never inside of a church. The closest she got was the door of the Tabernacle when she dropped off her sin-offering for giving birth to Jesus. So again, how could a half nude woman in a church with stained glass windows be a reference to the Virgin Mary?
Maybe if she was standing outside of the church and holding a pigeon of a turtledove I’d say he was on to something, but as it stands I think he is just making shit up.
Oh, and as for Cutie being hypocritical (and others who were offended)… If you look at a Playboy (or another mag or a video or a in the flesh person or an animal or your washing machine while on spin cycle I guess) and think sexual thoughts, you are committing a sin and you should have plucked out your eyes so they could cause you to sin no more. I watched the video of the interview and this guy totally had eyes in his head.
I can’t really trust what Father Cutie says though because he is a clergyman talk show host, which makes him a prostitute scandal and a wife with bad eye make-up (and a worse 80s hair-do) away from being a televangelist.
DECEMBER 12TH, 2008
By BILLYJACKS
Sweet Jesus Mary Mother of God.
I don’t know about you, but seeing that got me in the mood for Christmas. They take their religion really serious south of the border. God bless them for that.
Oh, and thanks to The Sun for letting spreading the good word.
I just hope that kid who was getting the topless photos of his Sunday School teacher doesn’t see this. I’m pretty sure he went to the wrong church.
DECEMBER 4TH, 2008
By BILLYJACKS
If you aren’t familiar with the Brick Testament, you should be. Although not complete, it is hands down the best translation of the Bible. You don’t have to be a scholar or even a fan of the Bible to understand the Brick Testament and its beauty.
Think of it as the Lord’s Legos. Someone took the time to explain nearly 400 Bible stories via 4100+ illustrations made out of lego blocks. They do a great job representing the scripture they reference and do enough to mix in just a little bit of humor to an otherwise dry text.
Some of my favorite Brick Testament stories are:
Genesis 19:30-36 (aka The Seduction of Lot)
Genesis 22:1-14 (aka I was only kidding when I told you to kill your kid)
Deuteronomy 22:23-29 (aka The Rules of Rape)
Luke 12:51-52, Luke 14:26, Matthew 10:35 (aka Teachings of Jesus on Family)
Matthew 6:5-6, Matthew6:9-13 (aka Teachings of Jesus on Prayer)
What’s your favorite Brick Script? Do you know of a better Bible translation?
